First, before I go into what I wanted to say today, I would like to say that I love my family, my parents, my husband, and my friends very much. They aren't the bad guys, necessarily, but that doesn't mean I always agree with what they say. That is my right, and theirs.
Now, continuing on..
I got a couple facebook messages yesterday night/early this morning in response to my last post. One responder said I could publish what she said. Here is her message to me.
"Hey Mana,
I just wanted to tell you I've been reading your blog lately, and it's truly amazing how you're facing this. You give me hope. To see you work through this pain and to see you so determined to live your life makes me so happy for you and makes me feel like maybe I can too.
I can't begin to imagine what you've been through, but I can understand parts of it. I, too, was raped. When I was 17. At PG High. I've only ever told 3 people in my life - and one was my mother. Long story short, I was sent to higher religious authorities and told to repent of my sins and not ruin the boy's reputation. It was an awful situation and I have since become silent about the issue. I am dealing with it, better than I had before, but I wish I could become more vocal in the public's eye.
I think you're doing a wonderful thing by voicing your story and your journey and your insights. I think the public does try to downplay sexual abuse, and it sickens me. I hope by doing this it helps the people around you understand the victims better, and understand how horrific something like this is. I know there are others like me out there, who are silent and cannot share their stories for fear of more abuse and people not believing. I know you've helped me, and I know you'll continue to help others.
I hope that by doing this you will also find some peace. In talking to the few people who know my situation, it has helped me get through the harder days.
I wish you all the best."
Hers is yet another tragic story that is a common occurance, and is commonly silenced. Like this responder said "I know there are others like me out there, who are silent and cannot share their stories for fear of more abuse and people not believing."
Everyone has their own battles. As one reader said, "I am living with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic anxiety and sometimes feel so... detatched from the world". The pain comes in many different forms, and doesn't necessarily stem from sexual violence. Anything traumatic can have a costly toll on your spirit and well-being.
Both of these readers commented on how the public always seems to downplay or just plain ignores the reality of what we victims, we survivors, go through, every day. One said "That's the thing that bothers me about issues like ours: nobody talks about it and the reality of living with it."
And, in response, I wrote back
"I like to think society has a color filter over their eyes. They see the colors that are socially acceptable, and all other colors are forgotten. Kind of like the book "The Giver". All they see is black, white, and shades of grey. Color evokes too much emotion, too much thinking. If society had that color filter lifted from their eyes, they would be exposed to all the true colors of the world, instead of the ones painted for them, and all of a sudden they will have to feel, think, and react for themselves. But that is just too much for society to handle. So, in consequence, those of us that actually see the true colors of the world are silenced, ambushed by the pressing masses of society."
Life is difficult. There is no doubt about that. Everyone has their own demons, and it would be unfair for me to say anyone has it worse than another. Everyone has pain, and everyone has something to feel grateful for, even if they refuse to see it. But that doesn't excuse the feelings and hurt victims of sexual violence feel. It's just as real as the pain one feels after losing a loved one, or finding out you have cancer, or divorce, or any other number of things. So why is sexual violence so hushed up in our society? Think about it.
There are many of you reading this, who are feeling real pain, trying to find ways to survive. My blog is open for anyone to read and share. If you don't want to write a comment, I will be setting up an email shortly that you are more than welcome to share with me comments and stories, experiences and insights that I can share either anonymously or with your name, like my readers who have let me share their stories and feelings today.
I want you to feel safe and secure. If you want a voice, you can find one here. Maybe finally being able to tell your story will help you get the strength you need to start your healing process.
Dear readers, you are not alone. Never think you are alone. There are many out there, afraid and suppressed. Don't let what happened to you rule your life. You are the difference between a happy life and a sad one. I believe in you.
Remember, you are strong. Remember, you are importatnt. And above all, remember, you are a survivor, and there is no shame in that.
