Talking with my mom earlier today, she told me she didn't understand why a victim who is being repeatedly abused doesn't just leave. Why do they stay, and not get help? To her, and to lots of people out there, it's just common sense to stop hanging out with them or dating them or whatever the relationship is. She says it's just plain common sense, so she doesn't understand. She knows that it's documented that victims stay with their abusers for different psychological reasons, but it's just not something she can understand.
I've been thinking about it, and this is what I've come up with.
Common sense is societies way of saying "Well, duh!" to a situation that has a common answer. Common sense is the asnwer to ordinary circumstances that don't require much brain power to figure out and execute. As I see it, you cannot use common sense in a situation that is not ordinary. All forms of abuse are, sadly, a common situation, but not an ordinary one. So common sense, the "Well, duh!" society likes slapping in our faces, cannot be used.
Some don't leave because they physically cannot leave. Criminals in a county prison, for example. Yes, they are criminals, but I personally would never wish any abuse, particularly sexual abuse, on anyone, even a criminal. In these restraints, these victims cannot help what inmates and guards do to them. And because they are a criminal for some reason or another, their voice in particular is never heard, their abuse is looked over, and all of society looks the other way. These survivors have no other choice but to stay, and help is not an option.
Some don't leave because of the family ties between them and their abuser. A spouse abusing another spouse, a parent abusing a child, a sibling abusing another sibling. A grandparent, an uncle, an aunt, a cousin. Whatever the family tie is, they are family. Some victims grow up thinking the abuse they are going through is just how family members should show love to each other. Commonly, the victim doesn't know a way out even if they wanted to, so they don't.
Then there are the unmarried couples, the best friends, the boyfriend and girlfriend, one dominating over the other, abusing to their hearts content. You would think this kind of abusive relationship would be the easiest to sever. It's not family, you aren't physically being kept there. So, why not leave? Why stay?
This is were the reasons get very complicated.
Any reason why a victim stays is a valid reason, and it's never a simple answer. You can't use "common sense". But stories where there is no marital, familial, or other restraining factors are hard to puzzle out. You might be thinking, "Okay, SuperMana, I kind of see your point when it's your family or if you are trapped somewhere, but these people don't have that. It's just them choosing to stay. They bring the abuse on themselves by keeping themselves in the situation. It should be easy just to walk out, right?"
Well, dear reader, it's not easy. It's not simple. And I'm speaking from experience.
My abuser was one of my closest friends. For a long time I called him my best friend. Because there wasn't just the abuse. There were days where no abuse happened, it was just another fun day with him. I talked to him when I was angry with my family and confided in him when I had a crush on another boy. We had lots of good times. And for a long time I was convinced I was meant for him. That we would become high school sweethearts and get married and such. (I'm so grateful that's not the way things turned out.) I was emotionally attached to him and as any human knows, emotional ties are always the hardest to cut.
"Okay, SuperMana," you tell me, "you were close to him. You thought you were best friends. But everyone loses and gains friends. And since he was abusing you, it might have been a little hard, but when you weigh staying friends with him and getting out of the abuse, there is no contest."
Okay, reader. But you are still trying to use common sense. And, for me, there was another reason why I didn't get out for the longest time.
Fear.
I was terrified out of my mind. My abusers threats were very convincing, especially because most of them weren't the empty threats friends give to each other when messing around. His were real.
Demonstration:
"Bitch (That was the name he used when talking to me), get naked and lay on the bed."
"No."
"Excuse me? I said, get naked and lay on the bed."
"Please, ____, don't make me. Not today."
"Bitch, get naked and lay on the bed, now! Do you want me to hurt you?"
"No, please ---"
WHACK. He punches me.
In an hour a bruise starts to be visible on my ribs.
Physical harm can be a great hinderance in doing something your abuser doesn't want you to.
Physical harm was not the only thing I feared. My abuser would make threats against my living health, my social status, and my family members, particularly my younger siblings.
So, you can see from my experience, it is never just as easy as leaving and never turning back. The victim has to make risks, and sometimes the risk the victim feels they have to take is too great a price to pay.
This is all very confusing, I know. But, if you remember that nothing in life is simple, especially when it comes to abuse, than it might make a more complete picture out of the puzzle. And stop trying to use common sense. Common sense only works with trash, dishes, and finding the car keys.
