So, yesterday, I got contacted by my former friend who's hands caused a lot of my hell. He was emailed my blog and in so doing contacted me yesterday to apologise. This post is for you.
To Whom it May Concern,
I did not intentionally want anyone to find out who these stories stemmed from, or who any of the main characters were except for, obviously, me. So if people put two and two together, I cannot help that. I tried very hard to keep your name a secret. And apparently I failed. I apologise for that.
My goal in writing this blog is not to make everyone I know hate you, or think ill of you. My goal for this blog is to help me get over everthing that happened to me.
You said you don't recall certain things happening. True, the story I posted yesterday was based on a true story. I had to flower it up for my English class. It's English. And I chose that story because it's always on my mind, whether I'm thinking directly or indirectly about it.
But there would be a lot of things you wouldn't remember, because it wasn't you who did them. If you recall, I was locked up in your bedroom with a bunch of your other friends too. Most of the time they were worse than you. And they wouldn't tell you about it. I was your property. It's like painting grafiti on a school. If you tell, you get in trouble. And it doesn't help you weren't sober all the time either.
And, no, it wasn't all that bad, all the time. Like I said before and I'll say again, I had thought of you as my best friend. I cared about you. I still do. If it was all bad, all the time, then the outcome would have been very different.
I don't want to ruin anything for you. I never did. I'm just trying to find ways of coping with what's happened. Because I was affected. I used to get panic attacks if I ever heard someone say your name. Whenever I hear an older truck driving, I want to run away and hide. Some days I can't even kiss my husband without going into a panic attack, because the memories are so raw and terrible.
How could I fake that?
Again, I'm sorry if people put two and two together. I was trying to protect your identity, and I failed, obviously. But think about it, not very many people I know, know you. So how could they hate a person they don't know?
And as for you apology... I'm trying really hard to accept it. But, I have to admit, I'm angry. I'm angry that you were upset with me for saying the things I did. This is a blog. This is where I'm supposed to be free to write whatever I want short of cyber bullying and slander. I'm angry that it took you this long. I'm angry that you thought everything was fine, when I'm pretty sure you knew everything wasn't. I was cutting and suicidal! You knew that! How could you not know what it stemmed from? How could you not know the source of my never ending depression?
I'm angry. And I don't like being angry. I hate it. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to move on. I don't want to cause any problems with you or your family or friends. I hear you are trying to turn your life around. I'm happy you are. I'm happy that you have been able to move on so easily. It's not so easy for me.
So, forgive me for being angry. I'll get over it. Thank you for your apology, I hope that one day I will be able to accept it.
Sincerely,
SuperMana
