Today is my husbands and mine two month anniversary. It feels like life is going so fast, but yet is going so slow. Some weeks it feels like 3 months have gone by, and then a month can go by, and it feels like we haven't even had a week.
So far, life as been pretty good. We have had our curve balls, like my husband losing his job, but there is always someone looking out for us. We have options if a job doesn't turn up before next months rent is due. It's amazing what faith can do.
But there has always been something right under the surface. Something there, but unspoken, un-addressed, ignored unless something triggers it to the surface, and then it's pushed down underneath again.
Having ignored and pushed down and buried in the back the issues that comes with sexual abuse and rape, it comes up every once in a while, and it comes hard. My husband will lean in to give me a kiss, but suddenly I'm back in that unsafe place. In front of me isn't my husband, he is my past attacker. He isn't asking for a kiss, he is taking it. And I break down. Anxiety fills my body, fear radiates from me. I will push him away, run away, run to a corner, shrink, and cry. Cry and cry and cry, whispering words I don't even understand. My husband will slowly approach me, speaking to me quietly, reminding me where I am, who he is, what is happening. He will reach his hand out and ask me to take it, tell me it's my choice. He is here. Through my tears I will see the hand, slowly reach out and grab it, and it's like a weight releases me, and I'm back in my apartment with my loving husband.
That is some serious issue.
It's not always a kiss. Sometimes we will be having a tickling fight, sometimes he will say something. Sometimes it doesn't happen for weeks. Sometimes it happens 3 times in two days.
And sometimes it happens on our 2 month anniversary.
