Hey! I don't know if any of my had been followers are still following or not. I wouldn't blame you. It's been over a year since my last post. I have an explanation, and then I have excuses and apologies. What can I say? Life happens. A lot has happened. I mean a lot. My last post, I was at the end of my first trimester, and I was SO sick. I had to be hospitalized a couple times, because my morning sickness wasn't morning sickness. It was all day, all night 24/7 sickness. It got so bad that I couldn't even drink water. And then after the doctors finally believed me when I said that everything I was doing wasn't working, they gave me some medication so I could eat. And I was sick the entire 9 months. If I didn't take that pill, I wasn't eating that day. Yeah. So that's a reason that I didn't write for a while. I was hospitalized for a week for a suicide initiation. I didn't really want to die, but I didn't know what else to do. So... that happened. And then in-between working, school, pregnancy, moving, preparing for a baby, and trying to deal with life, the blog became something not so important. And maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should have kept with the blog. Maybe I should write more and hide less. Remember the end of my last post saying I wasn't going to hide anymore? Yeah... I lied. I did hide, as you can tell. And that was a definite mistake.
But that's life. Life happens, and because life happens, people make mistakes. They make bad and good choices, and live with the consequences of both. When I was in the hospital for my suicidal-ishness, I was, finally, officially diagnosed with moderate to severe depression, post-traumatic stress syndrome, and borderline personality disorder. What does that mean? It means that I am easily scared and jumpy; I get sad easily because of a chemical imbalance in my brain; and I'm done gone crazy. These disorders and not excuses. I can't use these disorders as crutches and excuse any of my behavior. But they explain a lot. They explain a lot about my personality, and why I act the way I do. And while I was in the hospital, I learned some really good things. I learned I should write more. Not necessarily all about my abuse and my past, but let out everything. If you know what free writing is, that's what I need to do more of. (For those of you who don't know what free writing is, free writing is where you are in a quiet place, you have a writing utensil and paper, and you start to write. You start with a word, a phrase, a thought, anything and you just go. You don't stop writing for any reason. You can repeat the same word over and over again until you have something to branch off of that. But you just write for generally twenty minutes but however long you want. It is very helpful and educational. It often brings an insight on what you have on your mind, what you think about a lot, how your brain works, and issues that need to be addressed.) Free writing would help me get what I am thinking out on paper or computer, and that way I can think about what I am feeling, thinking, etc, more clearly with a more logical brain. The psychiatrist that I was working with in the hospital said that writing, especially about all my fears, would help with my PTSD. He also said that building a great support group, people that will be there for you no matter what and that won't judge, criticize, or inhibit my health progression.
And that's where you, readers whoever you are, come in. Can you help me by being a part of my support group? I will try to write more. I will try to be more positive, open, and honest. And will you help me by giving me feedback? Will you let me know when something sounds dumb, or share with me experiences that you have that might be helpful to me and others? Because life happens, and I want to make sure that what happens in my life is for the better, and I want to help others get there.
